So much for a paragraph a day!!!
In amongst it all, I've found it all too easy to just let this slip out of my priorities.
Today was a great day. Beautiful sunshine drenched laundry weather. I did three loads, took the kids to the park, mopped, got the fire going and kept it going, washed up, did some dishes, cooked lunch, split some wood. . . not in that order, but it was a fun filled Saturday all up.
Then Sam got every card out of my wallet and slid them down between a crack in the floorboards, and I lost my shit. Yelled at him to get out of my sight. That's right, the words we all swore we'd never use, that tone of voice - shrill, with a touch of psycho - and the utter loss of the ability to realise that you're dealing with a 2 year old. Lost it. Then had a sob.
Motherhood is my favourite thing. It really is. And the looks that my boys give me, the trust and the love, they are priceless. But some days are better than others, and the terrible twos have delivered me a little guy who needs tons of attention, stimulation, fresh air and affection. He is hard work. It is rewarding beautiful work, but it is hard. When I lose it the sense of shame and guilt makes me feel even worse. Why do mothers feel like we have to do it, and cope with it all, and keep cool, calm and collected in dust-free houses with perfectly made beds and no dirty laundry on the floor? It's both an internal pressure, and an force from without. There are expectations, and an overdeveloped sense of scrutiny. I feel more aware of being assessed in this endeavour than in any other I have undertaken. In some ways I think that is for the best, after all I have two precious, vulnerable lives in my hands and how I raise them really does matter. But surely I would raise them better if I could believe in myself, give myself a break and even, God forbid, an occasional pat on the back.
Sigh.
Here's to trying to blog more often. We shall see.
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