retrofitting my life

I think I am going to break up with my iPhone.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for a while; mindful that when I have my iPhone in my hand, I don’t have my mind and heart on my kids, my husband, my life. It is an escape, a time out of reality, but the time it is taking has slowly come to outweigh the time I spend in reality.

The time out has become the norm, and that’s not cool, and it’s not okay.

This article I came across in the course of preparing the eBulletin for work this week hit a bit too close to home http://www.themercury.com.au/news/national/parents-step-away-from-the-device-before-it-blows-up-in-your-face/story-fnj3ty2c-1226970075456

I want to be that mum who sits and plays with her kids, reads with them, talks to them, teaches them. Instead I’m brushing away their affection and pushing their heads away from blocking my view of various screens. Enough is enough.

I want to have real conversations about things that matter, I want to read books and watch movies. I want to live life.

And I am increasingly aware that my phone is getting the way of these things.

It doesn’t have to be forever, but at least for a time, I need to put the screen away, and remember phones are for talking to people not for avoiding life, they are supposed to be about contact not disconnection. 

ETA: You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a not-smart phone these days. There aren’t many options, and they remind me of the handsets that were on the market circa 2000.

Thoughts on fear and regret

I have a recurring dream. Well, it’s more a recurring theme than the same dream over and over.

In it, I am back at high school or uni, and it’s nearly exam time, and I realize I haven’t been going to class. I don’t know my timetable. I haven’t done any study, been to any lectures, I’m going to fail.

I was brought up to believe I could do anything I put my mind to. My parents were very vigilant in their praise, ensuring I was able to dream big. I wonder, did their absolute belief in my abilities, my potential, help or hinder me? I have succeeded in many aspects of my life, but I’ve also had some big failures. I coasted through school and most of university, only putting in the bare minimum of effort.

But I chose attainable goals instead of chasing dreams. I opted out of studying law for fear of going from top of the class to middling or, God forbid, bottom. I did my PhD at the same uni where I gained my undergrad for fear of not getting in where I really wanted to go.

Am I afraid of failure? I don’t know. But I know that I am now a victim of my own fear, and I do live with regret. The what ifs are innumerable; could I have been anyone other than me?