Thoughts on fear and regret

I have a recurring dream. Well, it’s more a recurring theme than the same dream over and over.

In it, I am back at high school or uni, and it’s nearly exam time, and I realize I haven’t been going to class. I don’t know my timetable. I haven’t done any study, been to any lectures, I’m going to fail.

I was brought up to believe I could do anything I put my mind to. My parents were very vigilant in their praise, ensuring I was able to dream big. I wonder, did their absolute belief in my abilities, my potential, help or hinder me? I have succeeded in many aspects of my life, but I’ve also had some big failures. I coasted through school and most of university, only putting in the bare minimum of effort.

But I chose attainable goals instead of chasing dreams. I opted out of studying law for fear of going from top of the class to middling or, God forbid, bottom. I did my PhD at the same uni where I gained my undergrad for fear of not getting in where I really wanted to go.

Am I afraid of failure? I don’t know. But I know that I am now a victim of my own fear, and I do live with regret. The what ifs are innumerable; could I have been anyone other than me?